Living Full on Life

Can I Do Hard Things?

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Once every three months or so I have a couple days where I want to just “quit everything”. By quitting everything I mean, all the extra-curricular things in which we are all involved, not the essentials. The stresses of practicing, nagging, driving, driving, driving, attending lessons, paying for lessons, trying to find time for it all, being a cheerful, encouraging mother who gives positive reinforcement when really I want to say something disparaging about Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (I would perfectly satisfied if I never heard that song again), and just being consistent is the hardest thing of all for me. I am the one who can never finish an antibiotic because that requires being consistent for TEN WHOLE DAYS. Prenatal vitamins? I was actually relieved when my OB would tell me not to waste my time taking it because I would just throw it up anyway, at least then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about every time I forgot.
   I am the queen of doing things in spurts. It is General Conference time again and I know that I will feel the fire of the spirit of change and for a couple of days, ok, maybe a week I might actually make some changes but sooner or later I will go back to my same old self, plodding along (hopefully toward perfection). My house work follows the same pattern of devotion and disdain as does laundry, weeding, budgeting.
   I so appreciate how encouraging my parents were in letting me try whatever I wanted to try. I played the flute for six months, the piano for two years (and never practiced a day of those two years), singing lessons for three months and played the harmonica on and off for a year. I took ice skating lessons, ballet, ski school, tennis lessons, played volleyball, softball, and basketball. I took art and ceramics lessons. I pursued mountain biking, rock climbing, mountaineering, rollerblading (including roller-hockey), and telemark skiing.
   So what did all of this do for me? It showed me that the world is an exciting and interesting place. I have wonderful and exciting memories. I guess it made me fairly well- rounded. However, sometimes I wonder how I would be different if I had been made to stick to something and be consistent. Maybe I would be a better, more patient mother with my own children as they strive to develop their own talents. How could I ever possibly choose which part of me I would take out because I would adopt consistency instead? If all of my time had been spent practicing and excelling at say, the piano, that certainly would not have left time for me to enjoy all the other things I got to try and which became a part of me?
  So my questions are:

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What a Thrill!

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I took Sam and his friend Emily to a rehearsal with the Symphony tonight. The child viola players practiced their piece “Telemann” together which sounded AMAZING, then joined the symphony. It must have been an amazing feeling for those young kids to be part of that, to have all of those older, more experienced players accompanying them! It gave me great joy just watching.

One-Piece Swimsuits and Other Stuff

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Today we went to a water park with the Saxeys. We had a wonderful time. Mostly it was fun to feel the children’s energy and excitement. William has learned to swim in the past month and is trying out his new powers by spending an incredible amount of time under the water. Sam and Lizzie enjoyed a new freedom of being able to go off with their friends, only checking in every so often, and Anna is perfectly satisfied to be my little barnacle, always attached (and held) if possible.
At the water park I also saw something that fit right in with some ideas that have been forming within me. There was a young girl, about 14, who was with a group of friends who were wearing two-piece swimsuits. This girl seemed fresh faced and wholesome and I could easily imagine that she came from a home where modesty is taught. She was wearing a one-piece swimsuit with a pair of shorts.  However, this girl was caught in the crossfire of immodesty. She had somehow rigged her swimsuit in a way that the bottom half of the swimsuit was pushed up to reveal her bare midriff! It was so obviously and awkwardly done. I couldn’t help seeing the image of some young woman trying to shimmy through a too-small leg opening just to try to fit in.
I have been thinking a lot lately about our children’s impending adolescence. I see changes — mostly emotional — happening and I am trying to reconcile myself to the realization that I cannot control what they see, who they like, what they do, how they think about the world or our family’s beliefs. (Or how they wear their clothes once they leave the house!) I cannot keep up with Satan’s subtle tools and traps through technology outlined in the following article that I recently read:
In this article the mother’s vigilance sounds exhausting. Isn’t there a better way? Of course it is every parent’s responsibility to stay connected and informed. Our responsibility is to never stop trying to communicate although I am sure there will come a time, or many times when our children will not be as communicative as they are right now. But I have to believe that some balance is better. I have to give up some of the control and believe what the prophet Joseph Smith advised, “I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves,” is a better way than constantly searching out every possible pitfall. Though what mother wouldn’t want to protect their child from harm? Is it because of the guilt and sorrow I will feel when they make poor decisions? (“What could I have done more for my vineyard?” Jacob 5:49)

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Worth

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Recently my half-sister Megan (Greg’s eldest daughter) and her family stopped by for a brief visit. She has been wonderful about keeping in touch, which I really appreciate. It was nice to talk with her and her amazing husband and sweet children and to get to know them all a little better. She told me that when they were going through our Dad’s (Greg) drawers at work they found a pile of letters from Lex and I from our high school and college years. I was shocked and moved. With this little bit of information I feel like she has given me a little treasure that I can keep in my pocket. A treasure of love, worth and acceptance. Oh how important it is to give our children a place in this world! 
Today in Sunday school we talked about the difference between “worth” and “worthy” and how we need to understand that even when we are not “worthy” we have divine “worth” and that our worth in the eyes of God will never change based on our worthiness. I believe that when we are unworthy Satan’s favorite tool is to make us feel like we do not have worth. I made a goal then and there that I would help our children feel my unconditional love even when they fail, or fall, or disappoint. I can love them by allowing them to understand consequences to their actions and not by withholding my forgiveness, attention, or love. Being a parent can be scary business! I really feel like it would be very easy to mess up these sweet children because really I’m just trying to understand big lessons myself! Thank goodness for the Spirit, for Grant, and for a host of other people who love and guide them too!

Success

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From my brother Isaiah on 03/12/07

Candice! I loved the story (See Happy Snakes post from 3/11/07).  Haha it made me laugh quite a lot.  I could picture it perfectly.  I miss you and your children! Come here! Send them here!  Haha! Candice, what did you do to fight being frustrated on your mission?  I am happy but trying not to be frustrated at times.  How are you feeling?  I understand that you are about to pop and don´t always feel up to writing.  I won´t be offended if you don’t write.  I love you Cando. Tell everyone hi.  Thank you so much for the email

From me to my brother Isaiah on 03/18/07

What did I do to fight being frustrated on my mission? I punched my companion in the face, went for a long swim alone in the Mediterranean, then spent the rest of the day laying on the beach in the sun until I felt better. HA HA. Truthfully? I tried to get exercise- jogging at 5:30 am on my mission was so wonderful- I was breathing too hard to talk to my companion. I wasn’t expected to talk to anyone and the whole world was just waking up. For some reason even though we were walking and biking miles and miles every day that jog in the morning helped so much.

Also, I had to constantly re-adjust my definition of success. Success, when you are doing your best and still not having “Golden” investigators falling from the sky could sometimes mean just being able to testify at every chance you get whether anyone listens or not. Success could mean just feeling love for everyone you meet and not wanting to curse them or resign them to their fate. (I sometimes had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from saying, “Fine, BURN! See if I care!!!”) Success is also being able to laugh at life, at yourself and your weaknesses and at some of the situations you find yourself in. Success most of all is living close enough to the spirit to know that the Savior will go before you and will be on your right hand and your left and will ALWAYS be with you and will understand how you feel- for did he not experience all and more?

I love that you asked me that question because that was something I struggled with my whole mission. It is something I struggle with right now!  My mind is willing but my body just won’t cooperate. You know how I am in the spring… I get all excited about all the wonderful possibilities in our yard. There is new growth and life budding all around me and I feel almost what I imagine a manic person to feel like- I am exploding with ideas and plans for our yard. So this week I went outside and decided to put up some fencing around the tender little peach trees I planted last year because they are budding now and the deer have already started to snack. Well, I was attempting to drive six foot t-stakes into the ground but my pregnant body balance was so bad that I kept falling over and couldn’t get them in. I endured as long as I could and did a pretty shoddy job but at least I finished one of the two trees. I thought, “FINE, I’ll prune the apple trees then”. The only problem with that is that I literally couldn’t fit between some of the branches in the tree because I am so big. So I could only get some of the perimeter branches. After miserably failing there I decided that really the only thing I could do was rake out the flower beds. I raked part of the front area and by then I was so physically tired that I couldn’t finish and it is nearly impossible to bend down and pick up an armful of leaves with this beach ball size belly of mine in the way. I WANTED success, and I was willing to work hard but everywhere I turned I couldn’t do what I wanted to do! Grant got home that night and I voiced my frustration to my caring, loving husband who reminded me that of all the things I do at home with Sammy and Lizzie and that I am also growing a baby inside of me (a somewhat exhausting endeavor). It is amazing how many times we get to learn the same lesson over and over again.

Now for the our family news: Grant has attained perfection (or is that not news to anyone?) Yesterday he woke up and was outside BEFORE the sun rose and started digging post holes. By the end of the day he had dug and set all the posts for our garden fence (150 feet) ALL BY HIMSELF! (I had meetings all day) Oh, did I mention he had stained them all too? We are doing only the posts in cedar but the rest of the fence will be 6′ metal ranch fencing. We all got excited talking about what kind of fruits and vegetables we will plant in our garden once the deer can’t feast on everything! (Lizzie is going to plant corn and Kiwi for Sam because he love Kiwi so much) Grant has also begun to wage war on the gophers that have started to make themselves at home in the new part of our lawn. I bought smoke bombs this week and he has had a great time planting them in their little holes! (Morbid I know, but when you have worked as hard as we have on this yard, you aren’t very tolerant of anything that mars your hard work- whether they were here first or not!

I am getting released from my position in the primary presidency. I have loved my calling but I was a little nervous about how I was going to do a good job and have a baby at the same time. I am getting  a new calling in the cub scouts! It is amazing how I get all these callings that are so far beyond anything I feel comfortable doing! Scouts is a whole new world! It is overwhelming but not so demanding as my current calling. It will definitely be a learning experience. And, now I will be able to go to Relief Society which I have missed, but still be involved with primary children which I love. I am still on my health kick. We eat a smoothie a day, hardly any sweets, no white bread, no soda, no chips besides tortilla, and I am trying to cut out all trans fats. The kids and Grant have been really good sports about it.

Sam, what can I say about Sammy-bam? We have been working on helping him not sound like a “Know-It-All.” Especially with Lizzie. She will proudly announce a new finding, “‘B’ says ‘Buh'” and Sammy will say, “EVERYONE knows that Lizzie” I want her to have the benefit of learning things and feeling like the smartest kid in the world like Sammy did. He is aware of it now and working on it. Sammy has also taken on the role as Lizzie’s protector, (except when he is in the mood to tease), and comfort giver. Which totally delights me. If she falls down and scrapes her knee (which happens all the time- as we are all aware of how graceful she is) Sammy takes it upon himself to sit down next to her and hug her and kiss her. Then he will check the wound and get her to lie down (even on the pavement outside if that is where the accident occurred). It is very cute.

Lizzie is blossoming so much. She struggles still with fake crying and whining and her normal girl theatricals- but she is getting much better about that. She got a bike last Friday that she is finally able to ride. For the first day or so she just proudly sat on the seat and put stuff in the basket. What four year old girl wouldn’t be proud of a purple and white bike with a basket? Her drawing is even better this week than it was last week because she spends more than HALF her day doing it. She has even started to not just draw what is in her mind but she will look out the window and draw what she sees, mountains, trees, birds etc. It is wonderful. I know I need to send out some of her artwork to you. I promise I’ll do it before you come home. It is so interesting how different these children are from each other.

Well, we are getting very excited for General Conference. I LOVE this time of year. It combines my three favorite things: Easter (my favorite holiday) Conference (so relaxing and uplifting) and Spring (so exciting and fresh and NEW) and this year we get to add one more- when conference rolls around we will only have ONE MORE MONTH before our little baby is born. I feel funny calling him a little baby because he certainly seems big enough right now. He is probably around four pounds and will double in weight in the next seven weeks. Can you believe it? Right now he will move and Grant sitting near by can see my whole belly move. Or, the baby will shift a little in there and suddenly there will be a big bulge on one side of my stomach and I will look lopsided! Grant and I were laughing last night while watching the migration patterns of Jr. because we realized how funny it would look if all of a sudden Grant’s stomach did that! Maybe “funny” isn’t the right word- I think I would be more inclined to take him straight to the hospital! We still haven’t settled on a name but have ruled out Soloman, and Saul-my two favorites. Grant finally helped me see that we couldn’t name our child after a man that had 40,000 concubines, or a man who persecuted members of the church. Why couldn’t they have been better men? They had such great names!

Ok, I think I will end now. Bed time you know. Keep up the good work. I am so glad you are in an obedient mission. We were told ours was the hardest mission too (ten years ago) but we didn’t have an obedient mission and that made it all the harder. Let me know if there is anything you need or want. Do you need any simple recipes or anything? Do you eat with members ever? Or are you always on your own for meals? We love you so much!

Love and xoxox,
Cando